This weekend marked a few major cycles. Nine years since 9-11, a good bye parting with Johannes onto Belgium, my mother rejoining me in her motherland and 2 full years since I moved to South Africa. Needless to say, 9-11 was on the back burner of the my mind and the rest of my brain was swimming with the more ego-centric cycles pertaining to my little life. Something like New Year's Day starts looking very small in comparison when such larger circles are in play.
For today's purposes of looking into the greater pluses and minuses of my life in SA, I must make a few lists. Bear with me.
What I don't like about my life in SA and who I am here:
* being far from family; even though I know my "extended" family has been my rock so many times I cannot help but miss the lint in their pockets
* being far from the friends with whom my relationships have been tried, tested and remain true
* being an American in another country
* technology being far too expensive
* the lack of choice in internet, electricity, transport, cell phones, etc; because it is such a small country, there are far too many monopolies and exploitative prices here
* a government that is not organized
* becoming more brash and more direct (well, sometimes good)
* people assuming I speak Afrikaans and am small minded just because I'm white
* always treated by lesser-thans as if I need to be constantly giving hand outs, including adults asking me for sweets
* becoming quiter and more inward because I don't have the friends I need (around me) to talk to about the itches on my mind
* becoming a bit hard and strict with how others live (judgemental)
* potholes and crap dirt roads
* constant road works and streets without signposting
* sun damage to my skin
* race being so prevalent as a way to describe my way of life or what it is I'm doing -- that there's always a need for the distinction of white versus black, or black versus white
* always being different, no matter what race or economic level I am with
What I like about my life in SA and who I am here:
* old houses without electricity just for the sake of an older way of living
* the movement to go slower
* cheap ass tomatoes
* slightly changed accent that confuses people about where I'm from
* I have friends who may not have known me for a long time or what my background is, but they're still prepared to pull out all stops to care for me in good & bad times
* being able to say "Jy ma se poes" or "Jy het baie klein bolletjies" in perfect diction and surprising the daylights out of America-haters
* changing peoples' opinions about America and what types of people it includes amongst the fat, overloaded, twinkie-grubbing ignoramouses who love Bush and watch crap television and hate to go places without their tennis shoes, who detest adapting to understanding foreign accents, in addition to having a lack of imagination and spunk
* being able to man-handle a dirt road even if they still make me grit my teeth
* constantly surprising myself by what I can still learn to eat: fried eggs, instant coffee, pap 'n vleis, elephant and unsalted avocado
* being able to braai without the assistance of a man
* making lots of good fires from scratch
* naturally blonder hair
* an acquired spirit that is constantly being pushed to new limits
* always learning new parts of new languages
* the capacity to be in other people's spaces for long periods of time
* constantly being around children and learning how to be more affectionate (and less germ-scared) around orphans and neglected children who truly need touch
* learning to live with less choice and to be happy with what I have (most of the time!)
* learning to cook more simple food
* realizing that I can be just as happy to see rain as I would be to see snow (after 4 months without rain!)
* amazingly cheap red wine and olives
* naughty South African humor
* being able to "sit" and just enjoy the stars, the sunset, the fire, what is playing out in front of my eyes
* constant opportunities to see beautiful places and walk in them
* the generosity of people to let strangers stay in their houses at the flip of a switch
* finding that I can create my own happiness most of the time (but this is not an easy thing and I'm still hard at work on it)
* learning that "family" is a bigger concept than who you're born to grow with
* always being different, no matter what race or economic level I am with
Should I stay or should I go?I have now booked my ticket for Christmas. The three-week trip home is looming at the front of my mind as a very exciting prospect ahead in my future. I truly cannot wait and 18 months is too long to stay away from those whose love fills your soul.
I didn't want to admit it a year ago, but Johannes did play a very large role in why I wanted to stay in South Africa. Despite all our differences and despite the great distances between us (8 hours of driving) we have managed to grow our love even more. To my own horror, I spent all Saturday a blubbery mess at the cusp of his departure for Belgium. He'll be there 7 months, possibly longer, and it's difficult to predict how our relationship will play out during this time. While I can be honest that I needed to stretch my stay in South Africa to excercise myself within the expanse of a relationship, I also have come to know, love and respect the people and the land I greet daily.
I know everyone wants to know. Am I here? Or am I not. I spend one day at a time and my life here does not get easier. I don't know if it's because I'm a masochist or because this country has seeped too far into my skin. I'm not making any commitments as to where I want to be. I'm just letting my life play itself out and will see where it leads me. On a day like today, where everything seems to be working against me, I'm ready for a zipline across the Atlantic. On other days I am right where I want to be. I think a lot of people my age could probably vouch for the same feelings, regardless if it's because they're still stuck in their home town, faced with dozens of dirty diapers, too many graduate school books spelling out a life of thankless academia, a career that doesn't match their hopes and dreams, an engagement that makes them breathe a sigh of relief and then fills them with fear that they actually have everything they want, or being on the precipice of an amazing opportunity that means leaving what they know and love behind.
I know. Nobody ever said life was going to be easy. If I look at my lists, it leaves me absolutely confused. So rather than fulfill everyone else I know with some false expectation of where I'll be in 5 years, I'm just going to keep going. As long as I'm taking stock of what it is I have, what it is I know, what it is I need and what it is I want and that I grant myself the space to not know all the answers, I'm in an okay place. Wherever that may be on this forgivingly gracious globe.
No comments:
Post a Comment